Call me Sir Postsalot, because lately I have been POSTING a LOT daphaknee
and I one day decided we were going to come up with ideas for episodes of the BBC sitcom Keeping Up Appearances. This was my best effort! "The Buckets are in bed together. Richard complains to Hyacynth that he feels their love life has become stale. Hyacynth tells him not to be so silly, and sneaks out to the garden. Under the cover of darkness, she secretly buries what she believes to be Roman ruins in her back garden. She comes back in and they go to sleep.
The following morning she makes a big show of unearthing the ruins, and tells anyone who will listen of her 'discovery!' She claims that since her family tree goes back to the Romans, it's natural that this home (her birthright) reflects this! Onslow points out she bought it two years ago and before that they lived on a council estate. She tells him to shut up.
On the whole, though, people are generally impressed by her find. In fact, the Roman artifacts cause such a sensation the Queen of England herself schedules a visit that afternoon to officially declare Hyacynth's back garden an Area of National Interest! Things couldn't be going better. Meanwhile at the Bank, Richard discusses his marital problems with a colleague. His associate tells him that whenever things got a little frosty with his wife, he'd spring surprise love on her in unusual places, trying things with her he'd never tried before! His wife couldn't get enough of it. Deciding there's no time like the present Richard returns home at lunch, knocks back some Scotch whisky for Dutch courage and hides in Hyacynth's wardrobe!
At that very moment the whole neighbourhood has turned out in Hyacynth's back yard to watch the Queen of England inspect the Roman artifacts. Hyacynth has provided refreshments, hired a band and invited the vicar and the mayor who naturally have put in an appearance. The Queen lifts the lid on an interesting looking vase! But it turns out it's actually a ROMANY funeral urn (the 'y' just got rubbed off) and a GYPSY CURSE springs out and hits the Queen in the face, making her dizzy and unwell! Hyacynth naturally offers her own bed for the Queen and shows her in there before rejoining her guests, playing the perfect host.
Meanwhile for the Queen, the relative peace of the bedroom is broken as a drunken Richard comes out of the wardrobe, his tie around his head. He mistakes the monarch for Hyacynth and sticks his dick in her mouth, while holding her upside down and reaming her sphincter with his whole fist!
Downstairs Hyacynth's party is a rousing success. After about 20 minutes she goes up check up on Her Royal Highness. Sensing a commotion, she listens in at the door to hear Richard's voice: 'Shut up bitch, I said shut up bitch, take this motherfucking dick, bitch'.
'Is everything alright, Your Majesty?' Hyacynth asks, perplexed. Inside Richard hears his wife's voice and looks startled! He looks down to see the horrified face of Elizabeth Royal, just as his wife walks in to catch her luckless husband en flagrante! Onslow, who we reveal has been up a ladder this whole time painting the window frame, says 'Ey up, if I'd known it was this kind of a party I'd have stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes!' and leaps into the room, his exposed penis trailing behind him like a Roman flagell. Close-up on Hyacynth. She looks shocked and flustered, but at the same time exciting new possibilites flicker behind her eyes!
Cut to Richard and Onslow being driven off to prison in the back of a black mariah while the whole neighbourhood watch. The Queen gets into her limo and Hyacynth runs out stark naked, boobs flopping, her make-up smeared and screaming 'COME BACK, YOU BITCH', pounding on the doors of the limo as it drives away. She chases it halfway down the street and falls over landing sprawled on the road, her delapidated vagina plainly visible to the assembled crowd, yawning like an old dog. Fade to credits over raucous audience laughter and applause"